I have come to discover that weekdays are really the most conducive to dieting. Routine is there, little appears to be going on that breaks routine, and distraction is a lot more avoidable. Especially when distraction so often equals temptation.
I have also come to discover that I am best motivated when I have others to hold my feet to the fire. It's great, because I have a standing date with my friend Tracy to walk every day at 5 (which we've been able to do on weekdays; weekends are a different story). When I don't feel like walking, she shows up and I realize that I'm not only getting the benefit of exercise, but I also get to spend quality time with a dear friend!
It begs the question: Why do I have trouble doing this for myself? I focus on work and am successful; I focused on school and was successful...there are many things that, when I put my mind to it, I get done and I get them done quite well <pats self on back>. Why is it, then, that I have an incredibly hard time when it comes to sticking to something like an exercise program that is so good for me? If I didn't have my standing date, would I honestly get my lazy butt outside and walk for 45 minutes? Honestly, I am doubtful.
This is something that I struggle with anytime I am on any type of weight loss program. I am not a particularly selfless individual, so I can't say that it's because it's for me and I don't like to spend the energy when I'm the only person who benefits. I think it may be one of the simplest answers in the world: I hate exercising and I don't like doing things that I hate, regardless of who benefits. This is something that I have to actively work on. I have to work on my negative association with exercise and why my stomach turns at the idea of going to a gym. Walking with my friend is a total ruse on my part because I don't look at it as exercise. I look at it as getting to spend quality time and I happen to be walking while I'm doing it.
Today, I just don't have many answers outside of the obvious. I know I need to consider this more and really dig into that particular barrier. I can't put the onus on my friends or family to get me off my butt. I have to own that, just like I have to own what food I put into my mouth. Exploring and understanding that issue going to be a short-term goal of mine, I think. I need to figure out where the association comes from and work through it. At least, I hope it's a short-term goal.
In the meantime, I'll continue walking and hanging out, because that part I totally dig.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
Day 8, 9, 10 and 11 - Sticking to It and Dropping Pounds
Well, I weighed on Friday. My weight was 231.5, which is a 6 pound loss! I am absolutely thrilled, to say the least. This is the payoff I have been hoping for.
We went out to eat on Saturday and ended up going to Red Lobster where Kevin and I both ate very healthy dishes. I'm finding that going out to eat is not that difficult. The keys that I have discovered are:
Go to the web and pick out a meal (checking the nutrition information, of course) BEFORE you go
Don't look at a menu
Turn away the bread when the server brings it
Unsweetened tea with Splenda does the trick for me
I am so pleased that it has worked out so well. I continue to stick to the plan like glue and am discovering that walking during the week is very doable. The weekends are more difficult with so much going on, but that's ok - I can deal with it as long as I plan, plan, plan.
I am excited to go into the Dr. office on Friday morning to 'officially' weigh, pick up my food, and start the next two weeks all over again. I am hoping to be down a total of 10 pounds by Friday. I will be satisified regardless, as I am very confident in my food choices this past two weeks. I can do this. As the great Yoda once said: "Try not. Do or do not. There is no try."
Hell yes, Yoda. Hell, yes.
We went out to eat on Saturday and ended up going to Red Lobster where Kevin and I both ate very healthy dishes. I'm finding that going out to eat is not that difficult. The keys that I have discovered are:
Go to the web and pick out a meal (checking the nutrition information, of course) BEFORE you go
Don't look at a menu
Turn away the bread when the server brings it
Unsweetened tea with Splenda does the trick for me
I am so pleased that it has worked out so well. I continue to stick to the plan like glue and am discovering that walking during the week is very doable. The weekends are more difficult with so much going on, but that's ok - I can deal with it as long as I plan, plan, plan.
I am excited to go into the Dr. office on Friday morning to 'officially' weigh, pick up my food, and start the next two weeks all over again. I am hoping to be down a total of 10 pounds by Friday. I will be satisified regardless, as I am very confident in my food choices this past two weeks. I can do this. As the great Yoda once said: "Try not. Do or do not. There is no try."
Hell yes, Yoda. Hell, yes.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Day 7 - One Week Down, Many to Go
Well, I can honestly say that the first week was freaking hard. Dieting sucks.
On the bright side, I have been able to consider a whole bunch of ideas beyond a depth that I had previously considered them. It's been eye-opening, exhausting, and uplifting all at the same time (along with many, many other adjectives).
Tomorrow is the big weigh-day. I'll be posting my weight at the end of the day when I write the blog. Here's the weeks breakdown:
7 days of no cheating, staying within calorie limits, and 3 days of exercise. I think this is the most success I've ever had on any weight loss program in such a short time. This time around, I hope not to measure ALL of my success by the scale; rather, I'd like to measure my successes in lessons learned and habits changed.
On the bright side, I have been able to consider a whole bunch of ideas beyond a depth that I had previously considered them. It's been eye-opening, exhausting, and uplifting all at the same time (along with many, many other adjectives).
Tomorrow is the big weigh-day. I'll be posting my weight at the end of the day when I write the blog. Here's the weeks breakdown:
7 days of no cheating, staying within calorie limits, and 3 days of exercise. I think this is the most success I've ever had on any weight loss program in such a short time. This time around, I hope not to measure ALL of my success by the scale; rather, I'd like to measure my successes in lessons learned and habits changed.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Day 6 - Oy, Exercise...
Thank God for my friend Tracy. For real. I think the other really crappy thing about dieting is you have to exercise, too. I know, I know...healthy-healthy-healthy! I have come to discover that I only enjoy exercising when I don't realize I'm doing it like, for example, when walking with a friend and talking the whole time. 20-30 mins can go by in a zip.
This is most definitely a hurdle for me. I feel like I'm changing so much with my eating habits as it is that it just doesn't seem fair to have to physically bust my butt to get rid of said butt! Luckily, my friend and I are keeping each other honest. Speaking of honest, honestly, she's the one keeping me going. She's on a great path and I am happy to be on it with her! It sort of leads me to the realization that it's ok to ask for support from the ones you're close to.
There really is no shame in dieting. I used to be embarrassed, but when I think about it, it's silly. Seriously. When people go back to school, they are bettering themselves. The same goes with dieting. Why is it, then, that so many people diet behind closed doors? I did that for years and I realize now that it sets me up to fail. If I'm too ashamed to tell people I'm on a diet, then how do I justify trying to change behavior? If they love me (or hell, like me), they'll be just as supportive with the dieting as they would if I were changing jobs, getting more education, or quitting smoking. It's hard, though, because I tend to notice the look-me-up-and-down behavior from people when they find out that the fat girl is on a diet. Even if the up and down look is innocent, it screams "What's the point!? You're fat!" to those of us who approach this whole endeavor with trepidation and, let's face it, fear.
I guess my point with today's post is that I'd like to ask you all (all 6 of you) to consciously support your friends if they're trying to make a positive change. It doesn't take much. They are taking a hard step in trying to walk a different path - they don't need people they care about sabotaging their efforts. So, this is me, paying it forward I guess. For anyone who happens along this blog, I support you. You can do it, because I can do it. And if I can do it, anyone can.
I am 6 days in, have walked 2 of those days, and have not cheated on my diet once. Every meal has been within my calorie range and the only other things I have consumed have been the shakes and the sanctioned snacks. I couldn't do it without the venting (so thank you, dear shrink, for the homework). I most certainly couldn't do it without support. Thank you guys - you rock.
This is most definitely a hurdle for me. I feel like I'm changing so much with my eating habits as it is that it just doesn't seem fair to have to physically bust my butt to get rid of said butt! Luckily, my friend and I are keeping each other honest. Speaking of honest, honestly, she's the one keeping me going. She's on a great path and I am happy to be on it with her! It sort of leads me to the realization that it's ok to ask for support from the ones you're close to.
There really is no shame in dieting. I used to be embarrassed, but when I think about it, it's silly. Seriously. When people go back to school, they are bettering themselves. The same goes with dieting. Why is it, then, that so many people diet behind closed doors? I did that for years and I realize now that it sets me up to fail. If I'm too ashamed to tell people I'm on a diet, then how do I justify trying to change behavior? If they love me (or hell, like me), they'll be just as supportive with the dieting as they would if I were changing jobs, getting more education, or quitting smoking. It's hard, though, because I tend to notice the look-me-up-and-down behavior from people when they find out that the fat girl is on a diet. Even if the up and down look is innocent, it screams "What's the point!? You're fat!" to those of us who approach this whole endeavor with trepidation and, let's face it, fear.
I guess my point with today's post is that I'd like to ask you all (all 6 of you) to consciously support your friends if they're trying to make a positive change. It doesn't take much. They are taking a hard step in trying to walk a different path - they don't need people they care about sabotaging their efforts. So, this is me, paying it forward I guess. For anyone who happens along this blog, I support you. You can do it, because I can do it. And if I can do it, anyone can.
I am 6 days in, have walked 2 of those days, and have not cheated on my diet once. Every meal has been within my calorie range and the only other things I have consumed have been the shakes and the sanctioned snacks. I couldn't do it without the venting (so thank you, dear shrink, for the homework). I most certainly couldn't do it without support. Thank you guys - you rock.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Day 5 - Getting Into a Rhythm
Today was the easiest day yet. This is one of those scenarios where working from home really is the greateset thing for me right now. The only food I could have was the food that I went and made. I have removed all of the snacks from my office so that each time I was hungry, I would have the opportunity to consider what I was going to grab when I went upstairs to get my food. Each time I went, it was either time for a shake, coffee, CMWL snack, or piece of fruit. As far as hunger days go, today was most definitely on the low-end.
I have a lot of work on my plate right now. Working from home is great, but I think I add pressure to get more done than the average bear so that I can prove to the company I work for that yes, work from home is a fantastic idea. So far, I've been successful, but I noticed the other day that the stress from work tends to drive me to cope. What is my most favorite coping mechanism?? Take a wild guess...
Today, when I got stressed out, I went outside with the dogs and took them for a teeny-tiny walk, just to get some air. Worked beautifully. As the end of the workday neared, I started to have a little bit of anxiety about what we were going to have for dinner. I happen to be one of the fortunate women (or unfortunate, depending on how you look at it) of being married to someone who really can cook. I don't mean grab-a-box-and-nuke-it cook, I mean make-from-scratch cook. Having someone like that around can really do a number on my resolve, let me tell ya.
Luckily, I also am one of the fortunate women who - when push comes to shove - has someone willing to support her in her efforts. I did have some heartburn about that at first, because my husband likes to cook new and different things and one of his favorite ingredients seems to be butter. I went out on a limb and let him know how serious I was about trying to get some of this weight off and he has only responded with support. Tonight, he made crab legs, shrimp, potatoes, and corn - all steamed in water and Old Bay spice. No butter. No olive oil. No added fat. I was able to enjoy a rather large meal while still staying well under my 550 calorie limit for dinner. I still have my fruit to enjoy later.
Yes, today is a good day. I'm focused, determined, and supported. What more can I ask for? Now, all I have to do is stay that way...at least most of the time.
I have a lot of work on my plate right now. Working from home is great, but I think I add pressure to get more done than the average bear so that I can prove to the company I work for that yes, work from home is a fantastic idea. So far, I've been successful, but I noticed the other day that the stress from work tends to drive me to cope. What is my most favorite coping mechanism?? Take a wild guess...
Today, when I got stressed out, I went outside with the dogs and took them for a teeny-tiny walk, just to get some air. Worked beautifully. As the end of the workday neared, I started to have a little bit of anxiety about what we were going to have for dinner. I happen to be one of the fortunate women (or unfortunate, depending on how you look at it) of being married to someone who really can cook. I don't mean grab-a-box-and-nuke-it cook, I mean make-from-scratch cook. Having someone like that around can really do a number on my resolve, let me tell ya.
Luckily, I also am one of the fortunate women who - when push comes to shove - has someone willing to support her in her efforts. I did have some heartburn about that at first, because my husband likes to cook new and different things and one of his favorite ingredients seems to be butter. I went out on a limb and let him know how serious I was about trying to get some of this weight off and he has only responded with support. Tonight, he made crab legs, shrimp, potatoes, and corn - all steamed in water and Old Bay spice. No butter. No olive oil. No added fat. I was able to enjoy a rather large meal while still staying well under my 550 calorie limit for dinner. I still have my fruit to enjoy later.
Yes, today is a good day. I'm focused, determined, and supported. What more can I ask for? Now, all I have to do is stay that way...at least most of the time.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Day 4 - The Movies Without Popcorn!!???
Today has quite possibly been the hardest day yet. I went to see a movie with my husband tonight, and we didn't get popcorn. Good for me? Good for ME, you say? God, it SUCKED!!! Not the movie, the lack of popcorn. That part sucked. The movie was quite entertaining.
I found myself, for the first time in this whole business, really considering the implications of cheating on my diet tonight. Heh...only took 4 days. Luckily, my husband has been extremely supportive and my dear friend Tracy got me up off my arse for a nice, long walk today. Even with that, I found myself wondering how many calories a small popcorn would set me back.
After all...I earned it, right?
WRONG. Another positive lesson learned is that rewarding myself with food is just not the answer. Rewarding myself with food is the exact opposite of what I want to be doing, as a matter of fact. I used to reward myself with a pedicure, a new purse, or a new book each time I hit small goals. That is what I'm focusing on now. If I make it a full week sticking to my plan, I shall reward myself with 3 hours of video gaming this weekend. Sound lame? Well, I have Dragon Age 2 still in the shrink that would argue otherwise, thank-you-very-much.
I have set an overarching goal. Anyone who knows me truly understands that I am a purse nut and I have a soft spot for Coach bags. Wanna see my reward for losing 35 pounds when (yes, when...not if) it happens?
Hello, lover....
A couple of days ago I talked about asking myself whether something was worth it or not. Popcorn is not worth making myself wait to get something I can truly enjoy for longer than a moment. This bag? Oh, this bag I shall enjoy for a long, long time...<sigh>....
I found myself, for the first time in this whole business, really considering the implications of cheating on my diet tonight. Heh...only took 4 days. Luckily, my husband has been extremely supportive and my dear friend Tracy got me up off my arse for a nice, long walk today. Even with that, I found myself wondering how many calories a small popcorn would set me back.
After all...I earned it, right?
WRONG. Another positive lesson learned is that rewarding myself with food is just not the answer. Rewarding myself with food is the exact opposite of what I want to be doing, as a matter of fact. I used to reward myself with a pedicure, a new purse, or a new book each time I hit small goals. That is what I'm focusing on now. If I make it a full week sticking to my plan, I shall reward myself with 3 hours of video gaming this weekend. Sound lame? Well, I have Dragon Age 2 still in the shrink that would argue otherwise, thank-you-very-much.
I have set an overarching goal. Anyone who knows me truly understands that I am a purse nut and I have a soft spot for Coach bags. Wanna see my reward for losing 35 pounds when (yes, when...not if) it happens?
Hello, lover....
A couple of days ago I talked about asking myself whether something was worth it or not. Popcorn is not worth making myself wait to get something I can truly enjoy for longer than a moment. This bag? Oh, this bag I shall enjoy for a long, long time...<sigh>....
Day 3 - Weekends are the Devil's Work
I have to say, I am honestly looking forward to the reliable schedule of the work week. I love my weekends from a relaxation standpoint, but the food is SO hard to manage! I have done well these first couple of days because there is a nice novelty factor involved. When the novelty wears off and I really start getting sick of this, I have a feeling that weekends will become harder and harder.
One of the things I learned from past successes is that planning really is key. We went out to Applebees this weekend and I didn't bother to look at the menu. I knew exactly what I wanted/needed and ordered it. Looking at the menu can detract from the plan. Words like cheesey, gooey, succulant, and such can really make my resolve waver, so I choose not to even go there. It's much easier to read those words at home and not have to worry about impulse taking control. This weekend was planned very well. Hopefully, I can continue that line of thinking. It worked well for me in the past. Thankfully, this is one habit I don't think I'll have trouble picking up.
On the bright side, the work week is starting and it's back to being at home full-time. I don't expect any spontaneous trips to the office for quite a while, so that makes it easier on me. I am trying to approach this week with a positive attitude about everything. Change of attitude, change of mind, change of body.
Keep on keepin' on is my motto today.
One of the things I learned from past successes is that planning really is key. We went out to Applebees this weekend and I didn't bother to look at the menu. I knew exactly what I wanted/needed and ordered it. Looking at the menu can detract from the plan. Words like cheesey, gooey, succulant, and such can really make my resolve waver, so I choose not to even go there. It's much easier to read those words at home and not have to worry about impulse taking control. This weekend was planned very well. Hopefully, I can continue that line of thinking. It worked well for me in the past. Thankfully, this is one habit I don't think I'll have trouble picking up.
On the bright side, the work week is starting and it's back to being at home full-time. I don't expect any spontaneous trips to the office for quite a while, so that makes it easier on me. I am trying to approach this week with a positive attitude about everything. Change of attitude, change of mind, change of body.
Keep on keepin' on is my motto today.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Day 2 - Temptation is Everywhere
One of the things I am realizing in this whole process is that temptation is EVERYWHERE. Seriously. Everywhere. People are constantly offering things to eat, selling awesome things to eat, talking about fantastic restaurants, and so on and so on.
Before this whole business I would turn a blind eye and ignore temptation. I have since discovered the problem with that approach: if I ignore it, it doesn't make it go away. This, I think, is one of the key things that continuously leads me back to the fat version of myself. When I would get out of that "dieting" mindset I would begin to focus my attention on the temptations around me. I think that because I ignored them before and didn't address the temptations (read: work through the issue) is one of the very reasions - if not THE reason - why I basically turned into Jim Carrey in "Yes Man" at the end of each dieting cycle. Would you like a free cookie? Yes. Would you like to order pizza? Yes. Would you like to stop by Jilly's for a cupcake as big as your head? yes, Yes, YES!
When those topics came up before, I would always either practice avoidance or I'd rationalize it away: "I'm on a diet, I can't do that...but later, when I'm NOT on a diet, I can". Today, I addressed real, honest-to-God temptation.
It sucked balls.
We took the girls to the circus today. Yeah, you know, the very same place where they sell cotton candy, ice cream, nachos and other delightful little treats that are enormously bad for you. They are so bad...but so, so good. Rather than avoid them by conveniently having to go to the bathroom when the tasty treats arrived, or rationalizing it away by thinking "Oh yes, in 6 months they WILL be mine", I actually went through the painful process of thinking it through.
It went something like this:
I really want to eat some of those delicious looking nachos. I'm not hungry. I don't even really want to eat anything right now. But dammit I want them. I don't just want one, even though I will tell myself that having that one will cut it. No. No, I want the whole damn thing and add extra cheese for good measure. That's what I want. Ok. Not going to have it. That part is settled. I'm changing my mindset and know that it's the right choice to make. But why the hell did I want it in the first place? Well, the freaking truth is that I like food, especially food that tastes delicious...much like those nachos that I really am not going to consume. Unfortunately, even though I like food, I have to understand that eating when I'm not hungry is really counterproductive. I get to enjoy the taste of something yummy, but I only get that enjoyment for about 5 seconds and then I end up dealing with consequences of guilt and, ultimately, the packing on of pounds to my already overloaded body for much longer than the momentary delight of eating such a delectable treat. As my very wise mother would say: "A moment on the lips; a lifetime on the hips."
That internal dialogue really wasn't the kicker, though. The question I am asking now that I never did in the past was: "Is it worth it?"
The answer, at the end of the day, is No. But really weighing that statement tended to get me thinking about the true cost of overeating, and eating without regard to consequences. So, needless to say, I stuck to it today. It isn't worth it. It isn't worth the avoidance of mirrors, the panic-inducing trips to the mall whenever someone even suggests the idea that I buy clothes, and it most certainly isn't worth my health.
Yay for me. I am excited that 48 hours has gone by without one cheat. I have stuck to my two shakes, snack, piece of fruit, and 550-calorie-or-less meal. I am gonna beat this, by God.
Before this whole business I would turn a blind eye and ignore temptation. I have since discovered the problem with that approach: if I ignore it, it doesn't make it go away. This, I think, is one of the key things that continuously leads me back to the fat version of myself. When I would get out of that "dieting" mindset I would begin to focus my attention on the temptations around me. I think that because I ignored them before and didn't address the temptations (read: work through the issue) is one of the very reasions - if not THE reason - why I basically turned into Jim Carrey in "Yes Man" at the end of each dieting cycle. Would you like a free cookie? Yes. Would you like to order pizza? Yes. Would you like to stop by Jilly's for a cupcake as big as your head? yes, Yes, YES!
When those topics came up before, I would always either practice avoidance or I'd rationalize it away: "I'm on a diet, I can't do that...but later, when I'm NOT on a diet, I can". Today, I addressed real, honest-to-God temptation.
It sucked balls.
We took the girls to the circus today. Yeah, you know, the very same place where they sell cotton candy, ice cream, nachos and other delightful little treats that are enormously bad for you. They are so bad...but so, so good. Rather than avoid them by conveniently having to go to the bathroom when the tasty treats arrived, or rationalizing it away by thinking "Oh yes, in 6 months they WILL be mine", I actually went through the painful process of thinking it through.
It went something like this:
I really want to eat some of those delicious looking nachos. I'm not hungry. I don't even really want to eat anything right now. But dammit I want them. I don't just want one, even though I will tell myself that having that one will cut it. No. No, I want the whole damn thing and add extra cheese for good measure. That's what I want. Ok. Not going to have it. That part is settled. I'm changing my mindset and know that it's the right choice to make. But why the hell did I want it in the first place? Well, the freaking truth is that I like food, especially food that tastes delicious...much like those nachos that I really am not going to consume. Unfortunately, even though I like food, I have to understand that eating when I'm not hungry is really counterproductive. I get to enjoy the taste of something yummy, but I only get that enjoyment for about 5 seconds and then I end up dealing with consequences of guilt and, ultimately, the packing on of pounds to my already overloaded body for much longer than the momentary delight of eating such a delectable treat. As my very wise mother would say: "A moment on the lips; a lifetime on the hips."
That internal dialogue really wasn't the kicker, though. The question I am asking now that I never did in the past was: "Is it worth it?"
The answer, at the end of the day, is No. But really weighing that statement tended to get me thinking about the true cost of overeating, and eating without regard to consequences. So, needless to say, I stuck to it today. It isn't worth it. It isn't worth the avoidance of mirrors, the panic-inducing trips to the mall whenever someone even suggests the idea that I buy clothes, and it most certainly isn't worth my health.
Yay for me. I am excited that 48 hours has gone by without one cheat. I have stuck to my two shakes, snack, piece of fruit, and 550-calorie-or-less meal. I am gonna beat this, by God.
Friday, March 18, 2011
The First Day
So. I'm on a diet. <grumble>
Millions of people struggle with weight loss. I know I'm not special in this regard. I have been as small as a size 6 and as large as a size 18 (and let's be honest, those 18s are pretty damn tight) like I am now. It never lets up. It doesn't go away. If you've struggled with weight loss once, you'll struggle with it forever.
This is my story.
Well...it's my story about how dieting sucks so badly! Don't get me wrong, I'm well aware of all of the fantastic benefits of eating healthy, getting down to a healthy weight, looking healthy. Healthy healthy healthy! Ugh - that makes me cringe like little Jan Brady's Marsha-Marsha-Marsha! routine. We all hear that it's the right thing to do for about a zillion different reasons. I'm doing it because I need to.
I don't want to. What I want, is cake.
My struggle started when I was about 9 years old. Mother Nature decided to play a cruel trick on me by giving me the body of an adult before my age was two digits. I had all of these curves, but the childlike desire to eat whatever tasted good without regard to the way it impacted my health. My parents did their best to try to steer me in the right direction, which of course backfired like most parents' good intentions. I decided that I would eat what I wanted to, when I wanted to eat it, even if it meant sneaking it. Fat lotta good it did me (badum-ching).
By the age of 13, I still wasn't what I would call fat, but I wasn't thin either. Back then, people referred to fat kids as having a 'healthy size'. I was forever and always "chubby". I could wear the cute clothes that came in my size, but probably never should have been cut that big. Let's face it - some clothes are most definitely a privilege and not a right and should never be made to be larger than a size 4. As a result, I was a well-dressed chubby girl who was always told that she had such a pretty face. I cannot stand that phrase. "Such a pretty face". Yeah, well, bite me. "Such a pretty face" means that the only thing about you that is remotely attractive is your face. Everything above your neck. That means that the other 90% of your body looked awful. That's how I interpreted it. Cut me some slack. I was 13. Aren't I supposed to be self-deprecating at 13?
When I got to high school, I realized the polarization of the kids my age. I, as usual, was always in the middle. My shirt size perpetually a Large or Extra-Large, my pants size perpetually a 14, and my breast size perpetually...well...huge. I wasn't one of those loud and obnoxious chubby kids who insisted that they must be either jolly or a badass. I was pretty much nice to everyone and I focused on my strengths: I've always been pretty smart and there were certain activities I excelled at without having to exercise one muscle in my body. I approached those activities with vigor and ended up with a pretty high self-esteem for a fat kid. I still cling to those talents today, so my depression or anxiety around my weight is really compartmentalized to physical appearance and a general feeling of gravity having a greater and greater hold on my body.
After a relatively boyfriend-free high school I moved on to college, where I continued to dive into academics and my extracurricular activity of choice: forensics. No, not crime scene investigation, but competitive speech. I know. Why they share a name, I'll never understand. Those were wonderful years...
and on...and on...that's how it went until I was 24. I had graduated college, met my current husband who was unattainable at that time, so I ended up meeting my ex-husband and we got married, I started a job, got divorced, got re-married to my current husband, got a dog, and the rest, as they say, is history.
I now have a successful career and home life, but where I fail is within the confines of my own skin. Each time I "finish" a diet, I go on a rampage allowing myself to eat whatever I wanted because, dammit, I earned it. All of the dieting talking heads tell you it's a lifestyle change, and it is. I'm a testament to that. If you don't change your lifestyle, then all of the hard work and money you spent to get thin goes out the window with each pound of flesh you put back on your body.
So, here I am. A closetful of clothes I can't wear awaits a smaller me to come to them week by week to see if I am any closer to being able to put them on and get them buttoned/zipped/closed. That's where this stupid blog comes in. My shrink who is guiding my weight loss advised me to journal, so here I am - journaling. Hopefully, it can help people. That would be cool. But I am not nearly that kind-hearted. My biggest hope is that it will keep me sane as I begin the dreaded diet.
Oh - anyone who gets around to reading this may wonder what I'm on. It's the Center for Medical Weight Loss product that feels to me like a glorified Slim Fast (although it does taste better). The nice thing about it is I have a licensed psychologist driving the whole process and an MD monitoring the effects on my body. I look forward to seeing a change as I count the hours, minutes, seconds to when I can fill my hungry body with the next nutritionally balanced shake and begin to slough off the extra me that I have hanging out.
Wish me luck.
This is me and Captain America in the Fall of 2009. I weigh 215 pounds in this picture and it's one of the more recent pics I have that show my weight. I am currently 237.5. I will be weighing every week, on Friday morning and will post the number of shame for all to see. I certainly hope you all out there on the internets will keep me honest...or at least shame me into success.
Millions of people struggle with weight loss. I know I'm not special in this regard. I have been as small as a size 6 and as large as a size 18 (and let's be honest, those 18s are pretty damn tight) like I am now. It never lets up. It doesn't go away. If you've struggled with weight loss once, you'll struggle with it forever.
This is my story.
Well...it's my story about how dieting sucks so badly! Don't get me wrong, I'm well aware of all of the fantastic benefits of eating healthy, getting down to a healthy weight, looking healthy. Healthy healthy healthy! Ugh - that makes me cringe like little Jan Brady's Marsha-Marsha-Marsha! routine. We all hear that it's the right thing to do for about a zillion different reasons. I'm doing it because I need to.
I don't want to. What I want, is cake.
My struggle started when I was about 9 years old. Mother Nature decided to play a cruel trick on me by giving me the body of an adult before my age was two digits. I had all of these curves, but the childlike desire to eat whatever tasted good without regard to the way it impacted my health. My parents did their best to try to steer me in the right direction, which of course backfired like most parents' good intentions. I decided that I would eat what I wanted to, when I wanted to eat it, even if it meant sneaking it. Fat lotta good it did me (badum-ching).
By the age of 13, I still wasn't what I would call fat, but I wasn't thin either. Back then, people referred to fat kids as having a 'healthy size'. I was forever and always "chubby". I could wear the cute clothes that came in my size, but probably never should have been cut that big. Let's face it - some clothes are most definitely a privilege and not a right and should never be made to be larger than a size 4. As a result, I was a well-dressed chubby girl who was always told that she had such a pretty face. I cannot stand that phrase. "Such a pretty face". Yeah, well, bite me. "Such a pretty face" means that the only thing about you that is remotely attractive is your face. Everything above your neck. That means that the other 90% of your body looked awful. That's how I interpreted it. Cut me some slack. I was 13. Aren't I supposed to be self-deprecating at 13?
When I got to high school, I realized the polarization of the kids my age. I, as usual, was always in the middle. My shirt size perpetually a Large or Extra-Large, my pants size perpetually a 14, and my breast size perpetually...well...huge. I wasn't one of those loud and obnoxious chubby kids who insisted that they must be either jolly or a badass. I was pretty much nice to everyone and I focused on my strengths: I've always been pretty smart and there were certain activities I excelled at without having to exercise one muscle in my body. I approached those activities with vigor and ended up with a pretty high self-esteem for a fat kid. I still cling to those talents today, so my depression or anxiety around my weight is really compartmentalized to physical appearance and a general feeling of gravity having a greater and greater hold on my body.
After a relatively boyfriend-free high school I moved on to college, where I continued to dive into academics and my extracurricular activity of choice: forensics. No, not crime scene investigation, but competitive speech. I know. Why they share a name, I'll never understand. Those were wonderful years...
and on...and on...that's how it went until I was 24. I had graduated college, met my current husband who was unattainable at that time, so I ended up meeting my ex-husband and we got married, I started a job, got divorced, got re-married to my current husband, got a dog, and the rest, as they say, is history.
I now have a successful career and home life, but where I fail is within the confines of my own skin. Each time I "finish" a diet, I go on a rampage allowing myself to eat whatever I wanted because, dammit, I earned it. All of the dieting talking heads tell you it's a lifestyle change, and it is. I'm a testament to that. If you don't change your lifestyle, then all of the hard work and money you spent to get thin goes out the window with each pound of flesh you put back on your body.
So, here I am. A closetful of clothes I can't wear awaits a smaller me to come to them week by week to see if I am any closer to being able to put them on and get them buttoned/zipped/closed. That's where this stupid blog comes in. My shrink who is guiding my weight loss advised me to journal, so here I am - journaling. Hopefully, it can help people. That would be cool. But I am not nearly that kind-hearted. My biggest hope is that it will keep me sane as I begin the dreaded diet.
Oh - anyone who gets around to reading this may wonder what I'm on. It's the Center for Medical Weight Loss product that feels to me like a glorified Slim Fast (although it does taste better). The nice thing about it is I have a licensed psychologist driving the whole process and an MD monitoring the effects on my body. I look forward to seeing a change as I count the hours, minutes, seconds to when I can fill my hungry body with the next nutritionally balanced shake and begin to slough off the extra me that I have hanging out.
Wish me luck.
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